Spooner Of The Seagulls: Where Gnome Man Had Gone Before

Welcome back everyone!

So I recently made a terrible decision.

And I do mean a terrible, no good, bad, awful, stinking decision.

I decided to let the wider SBBC pick not only what race I'd play at Mulligan's Open but also what roster.

Now I can hear the cynics and tryhards screaming "Why the hell would you do that?! You're just looking for an excuse to do badly now you're not caring about results!" so let me explain the rationale:

After an incredibly enjoyable year of Blood Bowl I felt I was at a crossroads. I genuinely had no solid plan as to what to take to Mulligan's. I had "ideas" but most of them were either half baked, a complete meme of a team, or worst of all, half hearted. I also wanted something to challenge me. Something I hadn't played before. Something that would possibly push me well and truly out of my comfort zone.

So with all this in mind, I decided to let fate decide for me. The SBBC has given me a lot in the past 12 months so why not ask them for one more thing? I can't really be in my comfort zone if I'm not picking the team can I? I also made the decision to only include teams I had not played at a tournament before. This would not only force me to paint a new team but I'd also have to learn how to play them. All in the space of about 2 months.

No pressure, eh?

I will also add I have never, or will ever be a fan of painting. Anything that forces me to put paint to plastic is a good thing in my book.

As Chosen By You...

And what did the SBBC pick?

Do I even need to say it?

Of course it was those whimsical bastards: gnomes. It was always going to be bloody gnomes.

Gnomes are a team I have meme'd about hating a LOT. But this was mostly just memes stemming from a game against phil78 at Dundee Doubles. That list should be designated a war crime. It is an affront to everything Nuffle considers holy. (lewishm also convincing me Khrone didn't need tackle because "muh frenzy" didn't help either but that's a rant for another day).

The only conceivable brightside was being able to paint them like Marcel from the front of La Chouffe bottles. And yes, you better believe I was praying The Biscuit Factory would be stocking La Chouffe so I could spend the weekend Chouffe-ing away with my forest dwelling dickheads.

And being the poetic old soul that I am, there was something just ever so perfect about gnomes being picked as I vividly remember the ripple of excitement and disbelief that went through the attendees of Mulligan's last year when we all first heard about the shock announcement of gnomes. I had more than one coach pass comment that "Isn't April Fools not for another 4ish weeks?!"

Remember, You ALL Chose This Curse

Now the question turned to rosters.

I wasn't going to go full batshit and let you all have free pick of my roster. I made this clear from the start because I knew I'd be setting myself up for 11 snotlings and 8 rerolls if I did. You might think that would be funny, but would it really? I wanted to make sure I had a list I wasn't going to be totally miserable with. No one wins if one coach is having the exact opposite of a good time for the whole weekend.

So I presented the SBBC with the following 3 rosters to pick from. I have also included the rationale behind each list.

Roster 1: Bribe

2 Treemen

2 Beastmasters (both with dodge)

2 Foxes

2 Illusionists (both with dodge)

8 Linemen (4 with dodge, 1 with dirty player)

3 Rerolls

2 Assistant Coaches

1 Bloodweiser Keg

1 Bribe.

Rationale: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Any list with a bribe is looking for those sweet, sweet removals. With plenty of wrestle, I know I'd be easily getting players on the deck and ready to be stamped on. The inclusion of a keg and 8 players with dodge means I can more easily stand in the firing line to then guarantee more blocks and more fouls. Dirty Player has also become one of the best skills in the game for a reason.

Roster 2: The Might Zug

2 Treemen

2 Beastmasters (both with dodge)

2 Foxes

1 Illusionist (with dodge)

8 Linemen (3 with dodge)

The Mighty Zug

3 Rerolls

Rationale: Another one for the Zug!

Zug. That's it. There's your reason.

Zug is a great big enjoyable lump of a player that I have used previously with humans. He's an absolute monster of a star that I would always be happy to have in my team.

However, this is the list the public decided they wanted to face:

Roster 3: Grombrindal "The White Dwarf"

2 Treemen

2 Beastmasters (both with dodge)

2 Foxes

2 Illusionists (both with dodge)

7 Linemen (2 with dodge)

Grombrindal "The White Dwarf"

3 Rerolls

Rationale: Word to The Wise - Eff 'Em Up!

Grombrindal's "Wisdom Of The White Dwarf" has some unbelievably good synergy with a gnomes.

Dauntless cage dive on a 3+ with wrestle? Yes please. Combine that with stunty guards and ooooh boy, that's a winning* combination.

(*in this case winning doesn't necessarily mean winning games but rather having fun)

I will say that out of the 3 options, the SBBC have did me an absolute solid and picked my preferred option.

Gnomenculture

Now that my team was picked in full, it was time to start getting into that infamous Gnome mindset. Gnomes seemed to have developed a strange cult following that I didn't really understand.

This started with me messaging FaerieQueenOfAlbion to get something every self respecting gnome coach needs: a god damn gnome hat! And why the hell would I not want a hand knitted one with darling teeny tiny matching ones for my trees?! What do you take me for?! A joyless husk?! You'd be right 9 outta 10 times, but not this time!

Before I knew it, I was in the Gnome Counties discord where some of our illustrious alumni (namely thehighlandenoch, cursedofnuffle, philb3y, and of course FaerieQueenOfAlbion) were helping write playbooks, organise merch, swapping stories. It was surreal seeing this underground network of whimsy working away tirelessly to expand gnomekind's stranglehold on the stunty meta.

To all aspiring gnome coaches, this is the place to be and these are you coaches to ask to get your garden ornaments wrestling like they're Rhea Ripley.

Now it was time to paint them... As mentioned above, I decided to use the same colour scheme as Marcel, which coincidently is the same colour scheme as Norbot from the recent Wallace and Gromit movie. While, I'm not a painter, sitting down with a lovely cup of green tea, a big bag of fruit flavoured gummies, sticking my headphones in, and blaring Gnome (a sludgey rock band from Belgium that sing about mythical creatures, namely gnomes funnily enough) made it far more than tolerable.

It also gave me a chance to try slap chop on Grombrindal.

Of all the regrets I have in life, not trying slap chop earlier is up there. It's a god damn cheat code!

And with that I was just about ready to face Mulligan's!

Oh The Banter!

About a week before it began, I got a message out of the blue from saebelsultan, a German coach I played a rather drunken game with at the NAF World Cup in 2023. He and some of his friends were making the journey over from Hamburg! I was looking forward to seeing him again as we had an incredibly enjoyable game in Alicante and it would be good to get a catch up.

So naturally I did what anyone else would do to make sure they feel welcome... I go them a bottle of Buckfast and a couple of packs of Butteries (AKA Rowies or Morning Rolls)! I very much described Buckfast as being like the inducement Heady Brew... You know I'm right!

A fair size group of us met up for some drinks on the Friday night. No La Chouffe in sight but a lovely pint of Tennents Tank Lager would suffice.

This gave me an opportunity to meet one of the travelling coaches JohnnyD who had come all the way from Sweden to roll some dice with us! Word of our national really does seem to have gotten around and long may it continue.

Many stories were swapped about how we all got "permission" to attend, how we felt about our chances for the upcoming games, the current state of the meta, and most importantly some embarrassing stories about loves lost and won! Every good night out needs someone telling a story about someone making a fool of themselves!

Everything was shaping up to make this one of the most memorable tournaments in quite some time (even if the beer definitely made remembering it all a bit harder, ha!)

It's Showtime!

And now the dice rolling part of the story finally begins!

Game 1: Treborius using Lizardmen

I was fortunate enough to play one of saebelsultan's travelling companions game 1. An absolute gent of an opponent to kick off my stunty career. That and lizards are far from the worst-case scenario for gnomes.

The game was brutal. Lizard were dying everywhere as sneaky gnome bastards constantly put the boot in. I couldn't do much to stop him scoring but left the lovely threat of "score when you want but imma keep stamping on your team until you do!"

I was unlucky to not get the throw teammate off at the end of the first half to make it 1-1 but then completed a sensible grind down the pitch in the second half to make it a reasonable 1-1 draw.

Game 2: Davidsaw using High Elves

It was good to finally get a game against Davidsaw. We've previously been teammates at the World Cup in '23 and have both been floating around the Scottish scene for some time now but never ended up rolling dice against each other.

Davidsaw came gunning for my trees. Quickly knocking one down and stamping on it a fair few times. Luckily, the tree stayed on the pitch to give me the physicality I needed to see me through the game.

This game ended up coming down to removals and the gnomes were getting them by hook or by crook. They slapped and stamped on anything with pointy ears. A tense 2-1 win followed with my gnomes just about making it over the line.

Game 3: mcfaff using Necromantic

Ever had one of those games where you can't roll above a 2? That was the first half of this game.

I set myself up nicely a couple of times to get the cheeky beastmaster cage dive for the assist so that another whimsical bastard can then also dive in and sack the ball carrier... Or at least that was the plan until I either failed the dodge or the dauntless (thanks Grom!) multiple times.

Then bodies started leaving the field.

I suddenly found myself 2-0 down without much hope... Until a cheeky throw team mate made it 2-1... And then it happened... The kick goes deep and I get a blitz.

At this point mcfaff if you're reading this, you are allowed to skip this part so you don't have to relive it. I fully understand how traumatic what is about to follow was.

With no rerolls remaining one of my remaining gnomes gets flung over the top and lands. He then gets under the ball... And catches it! Absolute scenes.

Mcfaff looked terrified. Rattled if you will.

I had the smuggest look on my face imaginable... Right up until a wolf 3 dice frenzy blocked the shit outta him. SPLAT.

My gnomes survived but then failed the pick up in my turn 16 that still had a metric tonne of dice left to roll after it so it's probably best my last-ditch attempt at a draw ended there.

Mcfaff then went on to foul that poor little gnome in his turn 16. Not saying he definitely deserved it but... Y'know.

And with that day 1 was completed and something very strange had happened.

I had only went and finished the day as top stunty.

Celebrate Good Times, Come on!

Now it was time for the most important part of the weekend... That traditional Saturday night beers!

We met up in Edinburgh Street Food, as is tradition, to swap stories about how our day had gone.

Advice for any coaches who may want to join us next year - get there early! It's more than just a little chaotic and getting a table can be a nightmare for large groups, which unfortunately means you can end up quite spread out across the venue, both inside and out! But the food, drink, and attendees make it way more than worth it.

Shout out to lewishm for even making it out. Man was a zombie practically falling asleep in his pint come 21:00.

Mcfaff also joined us which was brilliant, they had been a solo traveller so having the option to meet up with some of us was a huge bonus.

My night out can be summed up by saying "myself, JohnnyD, and Purdindas ended up stumbling out of The Penny Black at 00:30ish" Maybe the Irn Bru sours was one of those excellent terrible decisions.

I always highly recommend the meet up, regardless of where it is, because of the SBBC itself. It's always a good laugh for any brave soul willing to risk the late winter/early spring weather in Edinburgh.

Hey Baby Let The Bad Dice Roll!

Going into day 2 I suddenly had expectations. There was a sudden weight on my shoulders as everyone and their squig reminded me that I was on for the illustrious stunty cup. I did my best to dispel any notions of that happening but "Gnomes OP" gonna "Gnomes OP".

Game 4: L0rdgibby using Wood Elves.

Well... I seen the draw and expected bad things to happen. Bad things then happened.

This game can pretty much be summed up as: woodies did woodies things and the gnomes didn't get the required removals. Very little can be done when wood elves aren't failing dice rolls or leaving players based up etc.

A stinging 4-1 loss was the final score.

Game 5: Kuei-Jin using Goblins

Got to play another German coach but this time not one of the Hamburg travelers.

Fatigue had really started to set in and I made a catastrophic mistake quite early on in the game, not realizing he had set up a Bomma hidden behind a troll.

4 players were removed in his turn 1... That was that in terms of whether or not I'd get anything out of the half, no matter how valiantly my gnomes tried to fight back or cling onto something.

But the real kick in the teeth was the troll blitz on one of my trees at the end of the first half which went something like this:

I blitz your tree with no assists.

I will vomit as it's risk free.

That's a 3 so he doesn't puke on himself.

That's an 11 so he's through armour.

12, the tree is dead!

I'm very glad Kuei-Jin is a lovely fella or I might have walked away from this game more than just a bit miffed, this went BADLY. How badly do you ask? I got the "Blood Bowl Player Sized" Live, Laugh, Toaster Bath tshirt thrown at me by Chrisraff88...

Nearly getting pitch cleared TWICE by a bunch of sneaky goblins is ROUGH to say the least. The final score was a 2-0 loss.

Game 6: stoddieboy using Norse

It was good to get a game against stoddieboy again, even if the last one ended in brutal loss at Dundee Doubles in 2024.

Norse were an ok match up, or so I thought.

I kept at the removal game but KO after KO came back and I just never quite clicked into gear. It might have been the tiredness (definitely not a hangover) or just my general lack of experience but my gnomes just weren't firing on all cylinders.

The game ended in a disappointing 2-0 loss.

I'm very glad I had 3 incredibly fun opponents on day 2 or I might have been having a great big sulk rather than writing this blog piece.

So...What did you learn?

So with Mulligan's done and dusted and a record of 1/1/4 how have I come away from the weekend feeling?

Firstly, I'm glad I took on this challenge. I feel I achieved the targets I set out to achieve, namely getting a team painted, learning something new, and being pushed out of my comfort zone.

As for the list itself, my biggest take away is that Grombrindal wasn't worth it in the end. Yeah, dishing out skills is nice, and having a S3 piece with block and mighty blow is incredibly helpful, I simply don't think he was worth the 4 skill points and the 210k hiring fee. For the same price I could have purchased 2 extra rerolls, a keg, an apo, and an assistant coach. There was probably more times over the weekend I wished for an extra reroll or an extra player with dodge rather than the ability to hand out dauntless or mighty blow.

I fully understand why the SBBC picked Grom, on paper the list should have been amazing but it just didn't do it for me. Now, there is probably a lot of other mitigating factors, such as me not being a stunty coach, or me being new at gnomes but it just didn't click. I do think it could be absolutely devastating in the hands of the right coach but that certainly isn't me.

I do feel my time with gnomes is done for the foreseeable future, it was an enjoyable adventure but one I'm in no rush to repeat. No disrespect to gnomes though, I had an absolute blast playing them and would recommend anyone who's looking to change things up a bit should definitely give them a run out.

In the end, Mulligan's Open remains my favourite weekend of the year by far. It's always good to catch up with all my friends and to see what the SBBC has to offer.

If you can only attend one tournament next year, I will fully recommend Mulligan's every time. Not only do I promise you'll have a great time (results may vary but your opponents will be awesome), you get some brilliant swag, and you should hopefully get some fantastic stories to share!

-Spooner (Shaun)

Shaun Gray - Spooner